After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a ‘Gripe Sheet’ which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form and then pilot review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.Here are some actual maintenance problems submitted by Qantas’ pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions (marked with an S) recorded by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

A man was in a long queue at his local supermarket.

As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.

She asked, “What size condoms?”

The customer replied that he didn’t know.

She asked him to drop his trousers, reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom: “One box of large condoms, Till 5″.

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us was up for a cheap thrill.  When he got up to the register, he told the cashier that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him.

She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn’t know.

She asked him to drop his trousers, gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom microphone and said: “One box of medium sized condoms, Till 5″.

A few customers back was this teenage boy.  He thought what he had seen was way too cool.  He had never had any type of sexual contact with a woman, so he thought this was his chance.

When he got to the checkout he told the girl he needed some condoms.

She asked him what size and he said he didn’t know.

She asked him to drop his trousers, reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze then picked up the Intercom and said…

“Mop and bucket, till 5.”

God said “Adam, I want you to do something for me”.

Adam said “Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?”

God said “Go down into that valley”.

Adam replied “What’s a valley?”

God explained it to him.  Then He said “Cross the river”.

Adam said “What’s a river?”

God explained that to him too, and then said “Go over to the hill…”

Adam asked “What is a hill?”

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam “On the other side of the hill you will find a cave”.

Adam said “What’s a cave?”

After God explained, he said “In the cave you will find a woman”.

“What’s a woman?” asked Adam.

So God explained that to him too.  Then, God said “I want you to reproduce”.

Adam responded “How do I do that?”

God first said (under his breath), “Geez…..!”  And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.  Then, in about five minutes, he was back.  God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, “What is it now?”

And Adam said “What’s a headache?”

Dan went to his appointment with the urologist. In the examining room he told the doctor, “Don’t laugh!”

“Of course I won’t laugh,” the doctor said. “I’m a professional. In more than twenty years I’ve never laughed at a patient.”

“Okay then,” Dan said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest willy the doctor had ever seen. It wasn’t any bigger than a triple A battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing hysterically. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

“I’m so sorry,” he said. “I really am. I don’t know what came over me. On my honour as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won’t happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?”

“It’s swollen,” Dan replied.

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear, or are about to repeat a rumor.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.  One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance that ran up to him excitedly and said, ‘Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?’

‘Wait a moment,” Socrates replied. ‘Before you tell me, I’d like you to pass a little test. It’s called the Test of Three.’

‘Test of Three?’

‘That’s correct,’ Socrates continued. ‘Before you talk to me about my student, let’s take a moment to test what you’re going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?’

‘No,’ the man replied, ‘actually I just heard about it.’

‘All right,’ said Socrates. ‘So you don’t really know if it’s true or not.  Now let’s try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?’

‘No, to the contrary…’

‘So,’ Socrates continued, ‘you want to tell me something bad about him even though you’re not certain it’s true?’

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, ‘You may still pass though because there is a third test, the filter of Usefulness.  Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?’

‘No, not really.’

‘Well,’ concluded Socrates, ‘if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?’

The man was defeated and ashamed, and said no more.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.  You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.  The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.  The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.  The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.  The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away…

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.  You sell one and buy a bull.  Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.  You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.  The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.  You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.  Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.  You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.  The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.  The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.  You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.  No balance sheet provided with the release.  The public then buys your bull.

THE ANDERSEN MODEL
You have two cows.  You shred them.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.  You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.  You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.  You then create a clever cow cartoon image called ‘Cowkimon’ and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.  You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.  You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.  You count them and learn you have five cows.  You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.  You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.  You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows.  None of them belong to you.  You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.  You have 300 people milking them.  You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.  You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.  You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.  Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.  You tell them that you have none.  No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.  You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.  The one on the left looks very attractive.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.  Business seems pretty good.  You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

Friendship between Women:

A woman didn’t come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend’s house. The man called his wife’s 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship between Men:

A man didn’t come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The woman caller her husband’s 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

A koala is sitting up a gumtree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says “Hey, Koala!  What are you doing?”

The koala says: “Smoking a joint, come up and have some.”

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.

After a while the little lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’ and is going to get a drink from the river.
But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: “What’s the matter with you?”  The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says “Hey you!”

The koala looks down at him and says…

“Fucccccccccck dude…….how much water did you drink?!!”

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend the other day.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn’t believe it when she asked if I’d be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that “magic”.

“Wow!” I said. “I don’t know if I could keep pace with you now. I’m a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me.” She just giggled and said she was sure I’d “rise” to the challenge.

“Yeah.” I said. “Just so long as you don’t mind a man with a waistline that’s a few inches wider these days!” She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying that tubby bald men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover. Anyway, she giggled and said, “I’ve put on a few pounds myself!”

So I told her to f*ck off.