Excerpts from a Dog’s Diary:

Day number 180
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE!

Day number 181
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE!

Day number 182
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
1:00 pm -OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!
1:30 pm - Oooooooh. Bath. Bummer.
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE!

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT’S DIARY

DAY 752
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.

Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair… must try this on their bed.

DAY 765
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was… Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

DAY 768
I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called “shampoo.” What sick minds could invent such a  liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odour of the glass tubes they call “beer..” More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of “allergies.” Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time…

WELCOME TO GLAWSTER
The first point all visitors must learn is that this is not Gloucester at all but Glawster, and is situated north of Bristow and south of Chewksbree and Burmagum. The accent is simple and easy to follow, provided you cut out this article and keep it about your person at all times during your visit.

TRANSPORT
Hints for travelling during your visit here. The best way to get around Glawster is aboard a large vehicle called a buzz. These are found at buzz tops. At a buzz top you ketch yer Buzz.

ESSENTIALS
Once in the City Centre, known as Up the Town, attractions include the Po Stoffice where you can buy post lorders, stamps etc. Ladies queuing in front of you may be holding children in their arms. These are known as babbiz. The Po Stoffice is open all week Mundee to Sardee, but never on a Sundee. The same is true of Omes Tores, and the well-known Sainsbriz.

FOOD
The correct way of saying hungry is: ‘Ant add nutten teat all day’ and a suitable reply is ‘Ant ya?’ To satisfy your hunger you have to find a place where you can get summit teat. When you find one, you say ‘yer tiz’. If its a self-service place you greet the owner with the phrase -’ow be?’, he will reply, ‘Notsa bad, an you?’ Indicate the food you want by saying, ‘i’ll ave some ‘o’ ‘em chips’.

GENERAL GRAMMAR
You should always say them instead of ‘those’ and ‘er’ instead of ’she’. Hence the phrase ‘Er et all them elvers on Sardee’. Similarly ‘im is used instead of ‘it’. For example, ‘werz me wheelbarra? I ad im yesde.’  Questions begin with the words:- Wer? OOOO? Ow? etc. Answers are Tis (positive) and Tent (Negative). The word ‘yes’ has been abolished in Glawster and replaced by ‘Aah’.

If a local is not certain whether a thing ’tis’ or ‘tent’ he will be non-committal and say ’spexso, praps, or spose’.

In Gloucester you must remember that you never go TO a place but UP it. So you should say ‘up the doctors’, ‘up the library’, ‘ up the vets’ and ‘up the bingo’. Housewives are often to be seen going up the shops.

Occasionally, words are added to the end of a sentence to form a question such as ‘ennit’. Example ‘Good up yer ennit?’. Another such word is ‘cannus’, as in ‘can’t do tall at once cannus?’.

Quite often the word ‘mind’ is added at the end of a sentence for emphasis. For example if someone asks you where you are going , you would reply:
Q:  Were ya going
A:  Up town mind

The word ‘mind’ is often used in rugby context for instance: ‘ees a big un mind’ or ‘played well mind’ (note rugby is the most widely worshiped religion in Glawster.)

COMPLIMENT
People and things you like should be referred to as ‘proper good’. You also use the word ‘proper’ when you want to emphasise another word, as in ‘Them cockles was proper tasty’. Strangely, you can be ‘proper drunk’ and a ‘proper devil’ too.

If you stop likeing someone then you have ‘gawn awf’ them. Mouldy cheese is also described as ‘gawn awf’. If during your visit your health goes awf, be sure to get a doctors sustiffcut.

The highest compliment you can pay to people you are fond of is to describe them as ‘dead good’, ‘dead generous’ etc. A cheerful youngster is a ‘dead appy babee’. It is also possible to be dead lively and dead awake.

IN PRACTICE
Now try these:
- I sin im yesdee
- Me babbiz lost her at.
- Tent right . Tis! Praps, praps not.
- Givus un yer.
- Werya bin? - Werja think?

Preferably this should be done late at night, to the noise of car doors slamming and the sound should be loud enough to carry four times around the block.To your ‘Ta-laas’ they will shout the traditional Gloucester phrase,’Seeya gen’.

Hope you coddit all proper clear - SEEZY ENNIT?

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, “I’ll have a C monkey please.”

The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash, and handed it to the customer, saying, “That’ll be £5,000 please”.  The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, “That is a very expensive monkey. Why did it cost so much?”

The shopkeeper answered, “Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.”

The tourist looked at the monkey in  another cage. “That one’s even more expensive! £10,000!  What does it do?”

“Oh, that one’s a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff,” said the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of it’s own. The price tag around its neck read £50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, “That one costs more than all the others put together!  What on earth does it do?”

The shopkeeper replied, “Well, I haven’t actually seen it do anything, but the other monkeys call him the project manager.”

I like monkeys.

The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought this was odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth so I bought 200 of them. I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one of drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in the genitals. I laughed.

They punched me in the genitals. I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room. They didn’t adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech and hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into it’s third hour.

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive; they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sort of dropped dead. Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. God damn cheap monkeys.

I didn’t know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room; on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn’t work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and one hundred ninety-nine dead, dry monkeys.

I tried to pretend that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for awhile, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad.

I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in my toilet and I didn’t want to call a plumber. I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortuantely there was only enough room for two at a time, so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn’t go bad.

I tried to burn them, but little did I know that my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and one hundred ninety-seven dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed, The odor wasn’t improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead monkeys and I really had to use the bathroom.  So I went and severely beat one of the monkeys. I felt better.

I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him I had a wet one. He couldn’t take it either. I didn’t bother asking about the frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts.  My friends didn’t quite know what to say. They pretended to like them, but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.

I like monkeys.

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they’re too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.

They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it’s a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren’t worth $350.

When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.

The manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

“But we didn’t use them,” the man complains.

“Well, they are here, and you could have,” explains the manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. “The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here.” the manager says.

“But we didn’t go to any of those shows,” complains the man again.

“Well, we have them, and you could have,” the manager replies.

No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, “But we didn’t use it!”

The manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.

“But sir,” he says, “this check is only made out for $100.”

“That’s right,” says the man. “I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife.”

“But I didn’t!” exclaims the Manager.

“Well,” the man replies, “she was here, and you could have.”

A farmer got pulled over by state trooper Jon for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, trooper Jon got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, “Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?”

Trooper Jon stopped writing the ticket and said, “Well yeah, if that’s what they are-I never heard of circle flies.”

So the farmer said, “Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they’re called circle flies because they’re almost always found, circling around the back end of a horse.”

The trooper said, “Oh,” and went back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stopped and said, “Hey, wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse’s ass?”

“Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse’s ass.”

Trooper Jon said, “Well, that’s a good thing,” and went back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer said, “Hard to fool them flies though.”

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughters swollen abdomen.

It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say “Your daughter is pregnant.”

The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.

The mother became enraged and screamed, “Quit looking out the window! Aren’t you paying attention to me?”

“Yes, of course I am paying attention ma’am. It’s just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and three wise men came. And I was hoping that they would show up again.”