Letter to Mr. Wrong

Dear ________,

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available.

So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition. (check those that apply)

___ Your last name is objectionable. I can’t imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

___ Your first name is objectionable. It’s just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.

___ The fact that our dining experiences to date have left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter.

___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

___ Your constant e-mailing shows me you have TOO much time on your hands.

___ Your legs are skinnier than mine.

___ You’re too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.

___ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.

___ The phrase “My Mother” has popped up far too often in conversation.

___ You still live with your parents.

___ Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of alien uniforms a little disconcerting.

___ Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.

___ Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long-term partner.

___ Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.

___ I am out of your league, set your sights lower next time.

Sincerely,

X ______________