A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. “Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.

“Well, I can think of one thing,” the man offered.

“Once, upon a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.”

I yelled, “Now, back! off!! Or you’ll answer to me!”

St. Peter was impressed, but said: “We don’t show any record of this - when did all this happen?”

“Oh….Just a couple minutes ago.”

After reviewing a complicated divorce case, the Judge looks to the husband and says, “Based upon the facts before me, I’ve decided to give your wife $750 per month.”

The husband smiles and says, “That’s great. Heck, I’ll even throw in a few bucks myself.”

A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an African bush  tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When males reach a certain age, a string is tied around their penises. And on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked down at him and said, “How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?” The husband agreed and they tied a string and weight to his penis.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband, “How is our little tribal experiment coming along?”

“Well, it looks like we’re about half way there” he replied.

“Wow, you’ve grown to 12 inches??”

“No…it’s turned black.”

“My parents are from Glasgow which means they’re incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child… well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.”
Susan Murray at the Underbelly

“Is it fair to say that there’d be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?”
Adam Bloom at the Pleasance

“My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, ’cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.”
Susan Murray at the Underbelly

“A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research? I said, All right, but we’re not going to get much done.”
Jimmy Carr at the ICC

“I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.”
Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms

“My dad’s dying wish was to have his family around him. I can’t help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.”
Jimmy Carr at the ICC

“You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She’ll go: What’s my favourite flower? And you murmur to yourself: Sh*t, I wasn’t listening … Self-raising?”
Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms

“The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face.”
Jeremy Limb, at the Trap

“Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.”
Jimmy Carr

“I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was Shout For Help.”
Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron

“I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork…”
Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco

“Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax.”
Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance

“Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.”
Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms

“The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.”
Chris Addison at the Pleasance

“My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.”
Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon

“Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind legs. You know it’s wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they’re enjoying it as well.”
Scott Capurro at the Pleasance

“Hey - you want to feel really handsome?  Go shopping at Asda.”
Brendon Burns at the Pleasance

“I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud I’ve already got one!”
Norman Lovett at The Stand

“It’s easy to distract fat people.  It’s a piece of cake.”
Chris Addison at the Pleasance

“I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I’m not very good at it.”
Arnold Brown at The Stand

“If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They’re trained for that.”
Milton Jones at the Underbelly

“I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign: This door is alarmed.  I said to myself: How do you think I feel?”
Arnold Brown at The Stand

Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in an it company.  During the welcome ceremony, the boss says: “You’re all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don’t trouble the other employees.”

The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says: “You’re all working very hard and I’m very satisfied with you all.  One of our cleaners has disappeared however.  Do you know what happened to her?”

The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing cleaner.

After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: “Which of you idiots ate the cleaner?”

A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says:

“YOU FOOL! For four weeks we’ve been eating team leaders, managers and project managers so no-one would notice anything and you have to go and eat the cleaner!”

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the weather was going to be.  Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.

But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea.  He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, “Is the coming winter going to be cold?”

“It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,” the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again.  “Is it going to be a very cold winter?”

“Yes,” the man at National Weather Service again replied, “it’s definitely going to be a very cold winter.”

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again.  “Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?”

“Absolutely,” the man replied. “It’s going to be one of the coldest winters ever.”

“How can you be so sure?” the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, “The Indians are collecting wood like crazy.”

I know I’m not ever going to understand women.  I’ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, yet still be afraid of a spider.