A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day - 30,000 to a man’s 15,000.

The wife replied, “That’s because we have to repeat everything we say to men…”

The husband then turned to his wife and said, “What?”

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, “You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.”

The husband said, “You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.”

Wife replies, “No, you should do it; it even says in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.”

Husband replies, “I can’t believe that; show me.”

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says….

“HEBREWS”

A major earthquake measuring 9.1 on the Richter scale has hit Australia this morning. 350,000 Australians are missing, and over a million have been reported injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn’t know where to start with providing help.

The rest of the world is in shock:

Canada is sending troops to assist the country.
The USA is sending food, medical aid and money.
France is sending doctors, nurses and medical supplies.
Russia is sending tents and warm clothing.
The UK is sending 350,000 replacement Australians.

Susie Lee done fell in love,
she planned to marry Joe.

She was so happy ’bout it all,
She told her Pappy so.

Pappy told her, “Susie gal,
you’ll have to find another.”

“I’d just as soon yo’ Ma don’t know,
but Joe is yo’ half brother.”

So Susie put aside her Joe
and planned to marry Will,

But after telling Pappy this,
he said “There’s trouble still.”

“You can’t marry Will, my gal,
and please don’t tell yo’ mother,”

“But Will and Joe, and several mo’
I know is yo’ half brother.”

But Mama knew and said “My child,
just do what makes yo’ happy.”

“Marry Will or marry Joe,
cause you ain’t no kin to Pappy.”

A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, “Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I’ve had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month.”

The priest tells the sinner, “You are forgiven. Go out and say three ‘Hail Mary’s’.”

Soon, another man enters the confessional. “Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months.”

This time the priest asks, “Who is this Fannie Green?”

“A new woman in the neighbourhood,” the sinner replies.

“Very well,” says the priest. “Go and say ten ‘Hail Mary’s’.”

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men’s eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, “Is that Fannie Green?” The altar boy replies, “No, Father… I think it’s just the reflection off her shoes.”

A blonde is in a store and picks up a thermos. She asks the clerk “What’s this do?” The clerk replies, “It’s a Thermos, it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.” She looks at it and says, “That’s genius, I’ll take it.”

Later on at work and her supervisor passes her desk and sees the thermos. “What’s this he asks?” The blonde replies, “Its a thermos, it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.”

The supervisor says, “I mean what’s in it?”

She replies, “Some soup and a popcicle.”

A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman “I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer screen”.

The surprised salesman replies: - “But madam, computers do not have curtains…”.

And the blonde said: - “Helloooo…. I’ve got Windows!”