Friendship between Women:

A woman didn’t come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend’s house. The man called his wife’s 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship between Men:

A man didn’t come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The woman caller her husband’s 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend the other day.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn’t believe it when she asked if I’d be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that “magic”.

“Wow!” I said. “I don’t know if I could keep pace with you now. I’m a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me.” She just giggled and said she was sure I’d “rise” to the challenge.

“Yeah.” I said. “Just so long as you don’t mind a man with a waistline that’s a few inches wider these days!” She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying that tubby bald men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover. Anyway, she giggled and said, “I’ve put on a few pounds myself!”

So I told her to f*ck off.

After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking in the Garden with God. Adam told God how much the woman means to him and how blessed he feels to have her. Adam began to ask questions about her.

Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful. Why did you make her so beautiful?

God: So you will always want to look at her.

Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft. Why did you make her skin so soft?

God: So you will always want to touch her.

Adam: She always smells so good. Lord, why did you make her smell so good?

God: So you will always want to be near her.

Adam: That’s wonderful Lord, and I don’t want to seem ungrateful, but why did you make her so stupid?

God: So she would love you.

After reviewing a complicated divorce case, the Judge looks to the husband and says, “Based upon the facts before me, I’ve decided to give your wife $750 per month.”

The husband smiles and says, “That’s great. Heck, I’ll even throw in a few bucks myself.”

I know I’m not ever going to understand women.  I’ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, yet still be afraid of a spider.

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day - 30,000 to a man’s 15,000.

The wife replied, “That’s because we have to repeat everything we say to men…”

The husband then turned to his wife and said, “What?”

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, “You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.”

The husband said, “You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.”

Wife replies, “No, you should do it; it even says in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.”

Husband replies, “I can’t believe that; show me.”

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says….

“HEBREWS”

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.   Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa’s reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should’ve known… ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

A man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying in bed reading.

He says, “This is the pig I have sex with when you’ve got a headache.”

His wife replies, “I think you’ll find, that is a sheep.”

“I think you’ll find I was talking to the sheep.”