Dear ________,

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available.

So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition. (check those that apply)

___ Your last name is objectionable. I can’t imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

___ Your first name is objectionable. It’s just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.

___ The fact that our dining experiences to date have left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter.

___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

___ Your constant e-mailing shows me you have TOO much time on your hands.

___ Your legs are skinnier than mine.

___ You’re too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.

___ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.

___ The phrase “My Mother” has popped up far too often in conversation.

___ You still live with your parents.

___ Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of alien uniforms a little disconcerting.

___ Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.

___ Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long-term partner.

___ Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.

___ I am out of your league, set your sights lower next time.

Sincerely,

X ______________

Remember the book “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”? Well, here’s a prime example offered by an English professor at an American University:

Today we will experiment with a new form of composition called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person
will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth.

Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.

The following was actually turned in by two English students, Rebecca and Gary:

(first paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn’t decide which kind of tea she wanted. The camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too
much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out of the question.

(second paragraph by Gary)

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. “A.S. Harris to Geostation 17,” he said into his transgalactic communicator “Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far…” But before he could sign off, a bluish particle
beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship’s cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

(Rebecca)

He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. “Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel,” Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared
out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. “Why must one lose one’s innocence to become a woman?” she pondered wistfully.

(Gary)

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anuudrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu’udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret Mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. “We can’t allow this! I’m going to veto that treaty! Let’s blow ‘em out of the sky!”

(Rebecca)

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

(Gary)

Yeah? Well, you’re a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. “Oh shall I have camomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F***ING TEA??? Oh no, I’m an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels.”

(Rebecca)

Asshole.

(Gary)

Bitch.

(Rebecca)

Wanker.

(Gary)

Slut.

(Rebecca)

Get f****d.

(Gary)

Eat s**t.

(Rebecca)

F*** YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!

(Gary)

Go drink some tea - whore.

(Teacher)

A+ - I really liked this one.

1. Men are NOT mind readers.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
3. Sunday sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
4. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
5. Crying is blackmail.
6. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
7. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
8. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
9. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
10. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
11. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t Expect us to act like soap opera guys.
12. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
13. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of them makes you sad or angry, then we meant the other one.
14. You can either ask us to do something, or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
15. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
16. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
17. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
18. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
19. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing”, we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle, besides we know you will bring it up again later.
20. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
21. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
22. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
23. You have enough clothes.
24. You have too many shoes.
25. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight.

But did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.”

“Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair … KILL HER!!”

The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.”

The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.”

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.”

The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. “Some idiot loaded this gun with blanks” she said. “I had to beat him to death with the chair.”