A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, “I’ll have a C monkey please.”

The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash, and handed it to the customer, saying, “That’ll be £5,000 please”.  The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, “That is a very expensive monkey. Why did it cost so much?”

The shopkeeper answered, “Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.”

The tourist looked at the monkey in  another cage. “That one’s even more expensive! £10,000!  What does it do?”

“Oh, that one’s a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff,” said the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of it’s own. The price tag around its neck read £50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, “That one costs more than all the others put together!  What on earth does it do?”

The shopkeeper replied, “Well, I haven’t actually seen it do anything, but the other monkeys call him the project manager.”

Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in an it company.  During the welcome ceremony, the boss says: “You’re all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don’t trouble the other employees.”

The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says: “You’re all working very hard and I’m very satisfied with you all.  One of our cleaners has disappeared however.  Do you know what happened to her?”

The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing cleaner.

After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: “Which of you idiots ate the cleaner?”

A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says:

“YOU FOOL! For four weeks we’ve been eating team leaders, managers and project managers so no-one would notice anything and you have to go and eat the cleaner!”

A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman “I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer screen”.

The surprised salesman replies: - “But madam, computers do not have curtains…”.

And the blonde said: - “Helloooo…. I’ve got Windows!”

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen. How do I get rid of them?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What’s the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don’t shake it.

Re: Replacement of Mouse Balls

If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method.

Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.

Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.

A pilot is flying a small, single-engine, charter plane with a couple of really important executives on board into Seattle airport.

There is fog so thick that visibility is 40 feet, and his instruments are out. He circles looking for a landmark and after an hour, he is low on fuel and his passengers are very nervous.

At last, through a small opening in the fog he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor.

Circling, the pilot banks and shouts through his open window: “Hey, where am I?”. The solitary office worker replies: “You’re in an airplane.”. The pilot immediately executes a swift 275 degree turn and executes a perfect blind landing on the airport’s runway five miles away. Just as the plane stops, the engines cough and die from lack of fuel.

The stunned passengers ask the pilot how he did it. “Elementary,” replies the pilot, “I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100% correct but absolutely useless; therefore, I knew that must be Microsoft’s support office and from there the airport is three minutes away on a course of 87 degrees.