A couple had two mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town their sons would get the blame.

The boys’ mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful at disciplining children. So she asked if he would speak to her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to speak to them individually.

So, the mother sent the 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked very sternly, “Where is God?”

The boys mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.

The clergyman repeated the question, “Where is God?”

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.

So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boys face and bellowed, “Where is God?!”

The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, “What happened?”

The younger brother gasping for breath, replied, “We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!”

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a ‘Gripe Sheet’ which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form and then pilot review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.Here are some actual maintenance problems submitted by Qantas’ pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions (marked with an S) recorded by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

A man was in a long queue at his local supermarket.

As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.

She asked, “What size condoms?”

The customer replied that he didn’t know.

She asked him to drop his trousers, reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom: “One box of large condoms, Till 5″.

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us was up for a cheap thrill.  When he got up to the register, he told the cashier that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him.

She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn’t know.

She asked him to drop his trousers, gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom microphone and said: “One box of medium sized condoms, Till 5″.

A few customers back was this teenage boy.  He thought what he had seen was way too cool.  He had never had any type of sexual contact with a woman, so he thought this was his chance.

When he got to the checkout he told the girl he needed some condoms.

She asked him what size and he said he didn’t know.

She asked him to drop his trousers, reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze then picked up the Intercom and said…

“Mop and bucket, till 5.”

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear, or are about to repeat a rumor.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.  One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance that ran up to him excitedly and said, ‘Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?’

‘Wait a moment,” Socrates replied. ‘Before you tell me, I’d like you to pass a little test. It’s called the Test of Three.’

‘Test of Three?’

‘That’s correct,’ Socrates continued. ‘Before you talk to me about my student, let’s take a moment to test what you’re going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?’

‘No,’ the man replied, ‘actually I just heard about it.’

‘All right,’ said Socrates. ‘So you don’t really know if it’s true or not.  Now let’s try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?’

‘No, to the contrary…’

‘So,’ Socrates continued, ‘you want to tell me something bad about him even though you’re not certain it’s true?’

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, ‘You may still pass though because there is a third test, the filter of Usefulness.  Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?’

‘No, not really.’

‘Well,’ concluded Socrates, ‘if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?’

The man was defeated and ashamed, and said no more.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight. She was from Quality Street, he was a Fisherman’s Friend.

On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine Gum. He asked her name, “Polo, I’m the one with the hole” she said. “I’m the one with the nuts,” he thought! Then he touched her Milky Way.

They checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn’t long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg.

He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly and Tic-Tacs. Miss Rowntree wasn’t keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring.  He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight.

When he pulled out, his fun size Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted more, but he needed Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetizing. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper!

Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel.  Sadly he was soon to discover he had VD. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Allsorts!

A general and a young sergeant boarded a train in Germany during the occupation after the war. They occupied a compartment with a grandmother and her 16 year old granddaughter. All sat in complete silence for a great while.

The train went through a long, dark tunnel; there was the sound of a resounding kiss, then the sound of a resounding smack followed by complete silence, and then the train emerged from the tunnel and all sat in complete silence as before.

The grandmother thought, “That young soldier tried to kiss my granddaughter and she slapped him. Good for her!”

The granddaughter thought, “That soldier tried to kiss me, missed and kissed my grandmother and she slapped him. Good for her!”

The general thought, “That sergeant tried to kiss that young girl. She tried to slap him, but she missed and slapped me!”

The sergeant thought, “Such a day is never to be expected! Kiss the back of your hand, slap hell out of a general, and get away with it!”

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a whisky. As the barman’s pouring it the cowboy looks about him. ‘Where is everybody?’ he says.

‘Gone to the hanging,’ says the barman.

‘Hanging?’ says the cowboy. ‘Who they hanging?’

‘Brownpaper Pete,’ replies the barman.

‘Brownpaper Pete? Why do they call him that?’

‘Well,’ says the barman. ‘His hat’s made of brown paper, his shirt’s made of brown paper, his jacket’s made of brown paper and his trousers are made of brown paper.’

‘Really?’ says the cowboy. ‘What they hanging him for?’

‘Rustling.’

WELCOME TO GLAWSTER
The first point all visitors must learn is that this is not Gloucester at all but Glawster, and is situated north of Bristow and south of Chewksbree and Burmagum. The accent is simple and easy to follow, provided you cut out this article and keep it about your person at all times during your visit.

TRANSPORT
Hints for travelling during your visit here. The best way to get around Glawster is aboard a large vehicle called a buzz. These are found at buzz tops. At a buzz top you ketch yer Buzz.

ESSENTIALS
Once in the City Centre, known as Up the Town, attractions include the Po Stoffice where you can buy post lorders, stamps etc. Ladies queuing in front of you may be holding children in their arms. These are known as babbiz. The Po Stoffice is open all week Mundee to Sardee, but never on a Sundee. The same is true of Omes Tores, and the well-known Sainsbriz.

FOOD
The correct way of saying hungry is: ‘Ant add nutten teat all day’ and a suitable reply is ‘Ant ya?’ To satisfy your hunger you have to find a place where you can get summit teat. When you find one, you say ‘yer tiz’. If its a self-service place you greet the owner with the phrase -’ow be?’, he will reply, ‘Notsa bad, an you?’ Indicate the food you want by saying, ‘i’ll ave some ‘o’ ‘em chips’.

GENERAL GRAMMAR
You should always say them instead of ‘those’ and ‘er’ instead of ’she’. Hence the phrase ‘Er et all them elvers on Sardee’. Similarly ‘im is used instead of ‘it’. For example, ‘werz me wheelbarra? I ad im yesde.’  Questions begin with the words:- Wer? OOOO? Ow? etc. Answers are Tis (positive) and Tent (Negative). The word ‘yes’ has been abolished in Glawster and replaced by ‘Aah’.

If a local is not certain whether a thing ’tis’ or ‘tent’ he will be non-committal and say ’spexso, praps, or spose’.

In Gloucester you must remember that you never go TO a place but UP it. So you should say ‘up the doctors’, ‘up the library’, ‘ up the vets’ and ‘up the bingo’. Housewives are often to be seen going up the shops.

Occasionally, words are added to the end of a sentence to form a question such as ‘ennit’. Example ‘Good up yer ennit?’. Another such word is ‘cannus’, as in ‘can’t do tall at once cannus?’.

Quite often the word ‘mind’ is added at the end of a sentence for emphasis. For example if someone asks you where you are going , you would reply:
Q:  Were ya going
A:  Up town mind

The word ‘mind’ is often used in rugby context for instance: ‘ees a big un mind’ or ‘played well mind’ (note rugby is the most widely worshiped religion in Glawster.)

COMPLIMENT
People and things you like should be referred to as ‘proper good’. You also use the word ‘proper’ when you want to emphasise another word, as in ‘Them cockles was proper tasty’. Strangely, you can be ‘proper drunk’ and a ‘proper devil’ too.

If you stop likeing someone then you have ‘gawn awf’ them. Mouldy cheese is also described as ‘gawn awf’. If during your visit your health goes awf, be sure to get a doctors sustiffcut.

The highest compliment you can pay to people you are fond of is to describe them as ‘dead good’, ‘dead generous’ etc. A cheerful youngster is a ‘dead appy babee’. It is also possible to be dead lively and dead awake.

IN PRACTICE
Now try these:
- I sin im yesdee
- Me babbiz lost her at.
- Tent right . Tis! Praps, praps not.
- Givus un yer.
- Werya bin? - Werja think?

Preferably this should be done late at night, to the noise of car doors slamming and the sound should be loud enough to carry four times around the block.To your ‘Ta-laas’ they will shout the traditional Gloucester phrase,’Seeya gen’.

Hope you coddit all proper clear - SEEZY ENNIT?

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they’re too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.

They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it’s a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren’t worth $350.

When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.

The manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

“But we didn’t use them,” the man complains.

“Well, they are here, and you could have,” explains the manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. “The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here.” the manager says.

“But we didn’t go to any of those shows,” complains the man again.

“Well, we have them, and you could have,” the manager replies.

No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, “But we didn’t use it!”

The manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.

“But sir,” he says, “this check is only made out for $100.”

“That’s right,” says the man. “I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife.”

“But I didn’t!” exclaims the Manager.

“Well,” the man replies, “she was here, and you could have.”

A farmer got pulled over by state trooper Jon for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, trooper Jon got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, “Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?”

Trooper Jon stopped writing the ticket and said, “Well yeah, if that’s what they are-I never heard of circle flies.”

So the farmer said, “Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they’re called circle flies because they’re almost always found, circling around the back end of a horse.”

The trooper said, “Oh,” and went back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stopped and said, “Hey, wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse’s ass?”

“Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse’s ass.”

Trooper Jon said, “Well, that’s a good thing,” and went back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer said, “Hard to fool them flies though.”