After reviewing a complicated divorce case, the Judge looks to the husband and says, “Based upon the facts before me, I’ve decided to give your wife $750 per month.”

The husband smiles and says, “That’s great. Heck, I’ll even throw in a few bucks myself.”

“My parents are from Glasgow which means they’re incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child… well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.”
Susan Murray at the Underbelly

“Is it fair to say that there’d be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?”
Adam Bloom at the Pleasance

“My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, ’cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.”
Susan Murray at the Underbelly

“A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research? I said, All right, but we’re not going to get much done.”
Jimmy Carr at the ICC

“I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.”
Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms

“My dad’s dying wish was to have his family around him. I can’t help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.”
Jimmy Carr at the ICC

“You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She’ll go: What’s my favourite flower? And you murmur to yourself: Sh*t, I wasn’t listening … Self-raising?”
Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms

“The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face.”
Jeremy Limb, at the Trap

“Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.”
Jimmy Carr

“I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was Shout For Help.”
Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron

“I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork…”
Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco

“Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax.”
Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance

“Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.”
Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms

“The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.”
Chris Addison at the Pleasance

“My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.”
Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon

“Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind legs. You know it’s wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they’re enjoying it as well.”
Scott Capurro at the Pleasance

“Hey - you want to feel really handsome?  Go shopping at Asda.”
Brendon Burns at the Pleasance

“I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud I’ve already got one!”
Norman Lovett at The Stand

“It’s easy to distract fat people.  It’s a piece of cake.”
Chris Addison at the Pleasance

“I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I’m not very good at it.”
Arnold Brown at The Stand

“If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They’re trained for that.”
Milton Jones at the Underbelly

“I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign: This door is alarmed.  I said to myself: How do you think I feel?”
Arnold Brown at The Stand

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the weather was going to be.  Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.

But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea.  He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, “Is the coming winter going to be cold?”

“It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,” the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again.  “Is it going to be a very cold winter?”

“Yes,” the man at National Weather Service again replied, “it’s definitely going to be a very cold winter.”

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again.  “Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?”

“Absolutely,” the man replied. “It’s going to be one of the coldest winters ever.”

“How can you be so sure?” the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, “The Indians are collecting wood like crazy.”

Susie Lee done fell in love,
she planned to marry Joe.

She was so happy ’bout it all,
She told her Pappy so.

Pappy told her, “Susie gal,
you’ll have to find another.”

“I’d just as soon yo’ Ma don’t know,
but Joe is yo’ half brother.”

So Susie put aside her Joe
and planned to marry Will,

But after telling Pappy this,
he said “There’s trouble still.”

“You can’t marry Will, my gal,
and please don’t tell yo’ mother,”

“But Will and Joe, and several mo’
I know is yo’ half brother.”

But Mama knew and said “My child,
just do what makes yo’ happy.”

“Marry Will or marry Joe,
cause you ain’t no kin to Pappy.”

The aircraft entrance opens, two men dressed in Pilots’ uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they’re headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, “You know, Bob, one of these days, they’re gonna scream too late and we’re all gonna die.”

Two DJs are talking to each other, one says to the other “want to go and see a movie?”

The other replies “I don’t know, who’s the projectionist?”

Q: What do you call a Chav in a box?
A: Innit.

Q: What do you call a Chav in a filing cabinet?
A: Sorted.

Q: What do you call a Chav in a box with a lock on it?
A: Safe.

Q: What do you call an Eskimo Chav?
A: Innuinnit.

Q: Why are Chavs like slinkies?
A: They have no real use but it’s great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs.

Q: What do you call a Chavette in a white tracksuit?
A: The bride.

Q: If you see a Chav on a bike, why should you try not to hit him?
A: It might be your bike.

Q: What’s the difference between a Chav and a coconut?
A: One’s thick and hairy, the other’s a coconut.

Q: What’s the first question at a Chav quiz night?
A: “What you lookin’ at?”

Q: How do you get 100 Chavs into a phone box?
A: Paint three stripes on it.

Q: 2 Chavs in a car without any music. Who’s driving?
A: The police.

Q: Where do you take a Chavette for a decent night out?
A: Up the “Gary”!

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen. How do I get rid of them?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What’s the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don’t shake it.

I’ve always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.  And now that you’ve come into my life…
…I’ve changed my mind.

I must admit, you brought religion into my life…
…I never believed in Hell until I met you.

As the days go by, I think how lucky I am…
…That you’re not here to ruin it for me.

Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go…
…Will you take the knife from my back?  You’ll probably need it again.

Someday I hope to marry…
…Someone other than you.

Happy Birthday!  You look great for your age…
…Almost lifelike!

When we were together, you said you’d die for me…
…Now we’ve broken up, I think it’s time to keep your promise.

We’ve been friends for a very long time…
…What do you say we stop?

I’m so miserable without you…
…It’s almost like you’re still here.

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy…
…Did you ever find out who the father was?

You are such a good friend.  If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one lifejacket…
…I’d miss you terribly and think of you often.

Your friends and I wanted to do something really special for you for your birthday…
…So we’re having you put to sleep.

Looking back over the years we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder…
…What was I thinking?

Congratulations on your wedding day…
…Too bad no one likes your husband.

Coffee (n.) - a person who is coughed upon.

Flabbergasted (adj.) - appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Abdicate (v.) - to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Esplanade (v.) - to attempt an explanation while drunk.

Willy-nilly (adj.) - impotent.

Negligent (adj.) - describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

Lymph (v.) - to walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle (n.) - an olive-flavored mouthwash

Flatulence (n.) - the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

Balderdash (n.) - a rapidly receding hairline.

Testicle (n.) - a humorous question on an exam.

Rectitude (n.) - the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

Oyster (n.) - a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

Pokémon (n.) - A Jamaican proctologist.

Frisbeetarianism (n.) - the belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

Circumvent (n.) - the opening in the front of boxer shorts.