Coffee (n.) – a person who is coughed upon.

Flabbergasted (adj.) – appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Abdicate (v.) – to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Esplanade (v.) – to attempt an explanation while drunk.

Willy-nilly (adj.) – impotent.

Negligent (adj.) – describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

Lymph (v.) – to walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle (n.) – an olive-flavored mouthwash

Flatulence (n.) – the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

Balderdash (n.) – a rapidly receding hairline.

Testicle (n.) – a humorous question on an exam.

Rectitude (n.) – the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

Oyster (n.) – a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

Pok̩mon (n.) РA Jamaican proctologist.

Frisbeetarianism (n.) – the belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

Circumvent (n.) – the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

A young man called Peter invited his Mother for dinner. During the course of the meal, his Mother couldn’t help but notice how handsome Peter’s flatmate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flatmate than met the eye.

Reading his Mum’s thoughts, Peter volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Simon and I are just flatmates.

About a week later, Simon came to Peter saying, “ever since your Mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the frying pan, you don’t suppose she took it do you?”

“Well, I doubt it, but I’ll e-mail her just to be sure,” said Peter, so he sat down and wrote:

Dear mother, I’m not saying that you “did” take the frying pan from my house, I’m not saying that you “did not” take the frying pan, but the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love Peter

Several days later, Peter received an e-mail from his Mother which read:

Dear Son, I’m not saying that you “do” sleep with Simon, and I’m not saying that you “do not” sleep with Simon, but the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the frying pan by now.

Love Mum

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, “Why are you crying?”

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.

“Is this your axe?” the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, “No.”

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. “Is this your axe?” the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, “No.”

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. “Is this your axe?” the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, “Yes.”

The Lord was pleased with the man’s honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, “Why are you crying?”

Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!”

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. “Is this your wife?” the Lord asked.

“Yes,” cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. “You lied! That is an untruth!”

The woodcutter fell to his knees and cried, “Oh, forgive me, Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said ‘no’ to Jennifer Lopez, You would  have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said ‘no’ to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said ‘yes,’ you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT’S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez.”

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honourable reason, and for the benefit of others.

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Quasimodo were talking one day. “I believe I’m the most beautiful girl in the world,” said Sleeping Beauty.

“I must be the world’s smallest person,” said Tom Thumb.

“Well I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world” added Quasimodo.

They decided to go and get their claims verified by the “Guinness book of Records”. Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy. “It’s official, I’m the worlds most beautiful girlin the world!” she beamed.

Tom Thumb emerged triumphant: “I’m officially the smallest person in the world!”.

But then Quasimodo came out looking seriously pissed off and asked: “Who the f*ck is
Camilla Parker Bowles?”

Driver’s Education Exam Answers

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can’t see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, “Guns don’t kill people. I do.”

Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A: Always wear a condom.

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too shit-faced to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I’d probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave “hello” if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

• If all the women who attend Glasto were laid end to end, no-one would be in the least surprised.
• Michael Eavis’s shiny head is used as an aircraft carrier for flies.
• All the excreta deposited by festival goers over the five days of the festival is distributed by crop sprayer over the town of West Bromwich-the locals there run into the streets in supplication and joy as the oomska hits them, believing that the S*it God Of the Skies is rewarding them for having such an unattractive accent.
• The New Bands Stage does not exist.
• The pyramid stage is only 1% visible. Like an iceberg, the majority of the stage, some 9 and a half miles, is actually underground. The structure is used by mud tunneling invertebrates and moles as a meeting place, adventure playground and makeshift gym.
• Billy Bragg has never left the Glastonbury site and occupies an eyrie up an oak tree near Pennards Field. Here he hunts for carrion by garroting prey with mandolin strings lent to him by Steve Hillage.
• The stone circle is just one piece of an ancient piece of insulting graffiti left by druids to cheese off Christians living in the fields across the valley. Archaeological research has shown that the O of the circle was originally part of a huge stone sentence that said F**k Off God Botherers.
• The famous superfence is lent every year by Hollywood behemoth Marlon Brando. The seven mile reinforced metal is used in his home as a track to stop his wheelchair disappearing into the earth as he pushes his fat arse about his grotesque estate.
• The famous big wheel in the circus field is actually a giant cog in an underground mill. Patrons who pay their three pounds are unwillingly helping to grind up puppy bones for the burgeoning Somerset glue industry.
• The dance field is built on a negative ley line, thus regularly being voted the most bad-vibed of all of Glasto’s fields. Symptoms include eyes like stained glass windows, varnished off-green complexions, murderous rows between Burberry charvers and a large percentage of women who look like readers wives.

Wait! There’s more! Click here to read the rest…

Directions:

1. Catch a flight to Dallas Fort Worth Airport.
2. Hire car at Dallas Fort Worth Airport.
3. Start going toward the “Airport Exit” on “International Parkway South” and follow for 0.2 miles.
4. Bear left onto the highway toward “Terminal East Parking” – follow for 0.3 miles.
5. Bear left onto “International Parkway North” toward “North Airport Exit” – follow for 2.9  miles.
6. Take the “Highway 114 West” exit toward Fort Worth – follow for 29.2 miles.
7. Continue on “US 287 North” – follow for 91.1 miles.
8. “US 287 North” becomes “Interstate 44 East” – follow for 0.7 miles.
9. Take left fork onto “US 287 North” toward Vernon – follow for 104 miles.
10. “US 287 North” becomes “Avenue F (US 287)” – follow for 2.8 miles.
11. Continue to follow “US 287 North” for 104.9 miles.
12. Take left ramp onto “Interstate 40 West” toward Dumas – follow for 7.8 miles.
13. Take “Exit 70″ onto “US 60 East” toward Dumas – follow for 0.5 miles.
14. Take the “Buchanan Street” exit toward “Dumas/Pampa” – follow for 1.7 miles.
15. Turn right onto “Old Route 66 (Interstate 40)” – follow for 0.1 miles.

Now that’s the way to Amarillo, so would please stop singing that fucking song!

A man has three daughters and one day they wanted to know about the origin of their names.

The first daughter asks, “Daddy, why was I named Rose?”, to which the man replied, “We named you Rose because when you were born, a rose petal fell on your forehead and it was so beautiful that we decided to name you Rose.”

The second daughter asks, “Daddy, why was I named Lily?”, to which the man replied, “We named you Lily because when you were born, a lily petal fell on your forehead and it was so beautiful that we decided to name you Lily.”

The third daughter asks “GNNNNAUUUUUUGhhhhh?”, to which the man replied, “Shut up, Brick!”

What’s black and knocks on the window?
A goth in a microwave.

What do you call a goth lying in the road?
A speed bump.

What’s black and sits in the corner?
A dead baby goth.

What do you get if you cross a goth and a toilet?
The cisterns of mercy.

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, “Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?”

The father thought for a moment, then answered, “Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.”

So the boy went to his mother and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?”

The mother replied, “Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!”

The boy then went to his sister and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?” The girl replied, “Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?!”

The boy then went to his brother and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?” “Of course,” the brother replied. “Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?”

The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, “Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?”

The boy replied, “Yes… Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars… but realistically… we’re living with two sluts and a queer.”