SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.  You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.  The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.  The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.  The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.  The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away…

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.  You sell one and buy a bull.  Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.  You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.  The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.  You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.  Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.  You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.  The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.  The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.  You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.  No balance sheet provided with the release.  The public then buys your bull.

THE ANDERSEN MODEL
You have two cows.  You shred them.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.  You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.  You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.  You then create a clever cow cartoon image called ‘Cowkimon’ and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.  You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.  You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.  You count them and learn you have five cows.  You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.  You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.  You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows.  None of them belong to you.  You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.  You have 300 people milking them.  You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.  You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.  You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.  Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.  You tell them that you have none.  No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.  You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.  The one on the left looks very attractive.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.  Business seems pretty good.  You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A major earthquake measuring 9.1 on the Richter scale has hit Australia this morning. 350,000 Australians are missing, and over a million have been reported injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn’t know where to start with providing help.

The rest of the world is in shock:

Canada is sending troops to assist the country.
The USA is sending food, medical aid and money.
France is sending doctors, nurses and medical supplies.
Russia is sending tents and warm clothing.
The UK is sending 350,000 replacement Australians.

To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your failure to elect an acceptable President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of Your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II Will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP (for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders p.s. you wont be allowed to vote for him, he has friends that decide he should lead) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following Rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium”. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour’, skipping the letter ‘U’ is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter ‘Z’ (pronounced ‘zed’ not ‘zee’) and the suffix “ize” will be replaced by the suffix “ise”. You will learn that the suffix ‘burgh’ is pronounced ‘burra’ e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you can’t cope with correct pronunciation.
2. There is no such thing as “US English”. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of “-ize”.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn’t that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as “Taggart” will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we’re talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is “Devon”. If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become “shires” eg. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American “football”. There is only one kind of football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2006. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the ‘World Series’ for a game which is not played outside of America. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls’ game called “rounders” which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler.
8. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
9. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
10. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer”, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as “Lager”. The substances formerly known as “American Beer” will henceforth be refered to as “Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine”.
12. From November 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or “Gasoline” as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).
13. You will hand over Mel Gibson to face charges of treason.
14. Please tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us crazy.
15. Tax collectors from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your cooperation.

There’s an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters. The Englishman says ” I was cleaning my daughter’s room the other day and I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn’t even know she smokes”.

The Scotsman says “That’s nothing. I was cleaning my daughter’s room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn’t even know she drank.”

With that the Irishman says ” Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter’s room the other day when I found packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn’t even know she had a dick.”

George Farthing, an expatriate British man living in America, was recently diagnosed as clinically depressed, tanked up on anti-depressants and scheduled for controversial Shock Therapy when doctors realised he wasn’t depressed at all - only British.

Mr Farthing, whose characteristic pessimism and gloomy perspective were interpreted as serious clinical depression, was led on a nightmare journey through the American psychiatric system. Doctors described Farthing as suffering with Pervasive Negative Anticipation - a belief that everything will turn out for the worst, whether it’s trains arriving late, England’s chances at winning any international sports event or even his own prospects to get ahead in life and achieve his dreams.

“The satisfaction Mr Farthing seemed to get from his pessimism seemed particularly pathological,” reported the doctors.

“They put me on everything - Lithium, Prozac, St John’s Wort,” said Mr Farthing. “They even told me to sit in front of a big light for an hour a day or I’d become suicidal. I kept telling them this was all pointless and they said that it was exactly that sort of attitude that got me here in the first place.”

Running out of ideas, his doctors finally resorted to a course of “weapons grade amphetamine”, the only noticeable effect of which was six hours of speedy repetitions of the phrases “mustn’t grumble” and “not too bad, really”.  It was then that Mr Farthing was referred to a psychotherapist.

Dr Isaac Horney explored Mr Farthing’s family history and couldn’t believe his ears.  “His story of a childhood growing up in a grey little town where it rained every day, treeless streets of identical houses and passionately backing a football team who never won, seemed to be typical depressive ideation or false memory. Mr Farthing had six months of therapy but seemed to mainly want to talk about the weather - how miserable and cold it was in winter and later how difficult and hot it was in summer.  I felt he wasn’t responding to therapy at all and so I recommended drastic action - namely ECT or shock treatment”.

“I was all strapped down on the table and they were about to put the rubber bit in my mouth when the psychiatric nurse picked up on my accent,” said Mr Farthing. “I remember her saying ‘Oh my God, I think we’re making a terrible mistake’.”

Nurse Alice Sheen was a big fan of British comedy, giving her an understanding of the British psyche.  “Classic comedy characters like Tony Hancock, Albert Steptoe and Frank Spencer are all hopeless cases with no chance of ever doing well or escaping their circumstances,” she explained to the baffled US medics. “That’s funny in Britain and is not seen as pathological at all.”

Identifying Mr Farthing as British changed his diagnosis from ‘clinical depression’ to ‘rather quaint and charming’ and he was immediately discharged from hospital, with a selection of brightly coloured leaflets and an “I love New York” T-shirt.

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can’t possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that’s the government’s job.

Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can’t agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.

Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don’t, but only because they can’t get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.

Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.

Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it “English”.
Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it “English”.
Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
Aussies: Add “G’day”, “mate” and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to get laid.

Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.
Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.

Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.

Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

A Glaswegian girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter.

“Ah’ll be back ra morra efternin tae pick up ma dress.” she says.

“Come again?” says the clerk, cupping his ear.

“Naw” she replies. “This time it’s mayonnaise.”

A Glesga Burd goes tae the social tae register fur child benefit.

“How many children?” asks the civil servant.

“10″ replies the girl.

“10???” says the civil servant.. “What are their names?”

“Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec and…..eh…Alec”

“Doesn’t that get confusing?”

“Naw…” says the girl “its great because if thur oot playin in the street, ah jist huv tae shout ALEC, YER DINNER’S READY or ALEC, GO TO BED NOW ‘n’ they aw dae it…”

“What if you want to speak to one individually?” says the perturbed civil servant.

“‘at’s easy,” says the girl… “Ah just use thur surnames”

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O’Grady’s after his Sunday morning service, and she’s in tears.

He says, “So what’s bothering you, Mary my dear?”

She says, “Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”

The priest says, “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?”

She says, “That he did, Father…”

The priest says, “What did he ask, Mary?”

She says, “He said, ‘Please Mary, put down that gun!”