Drunk Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the man just sits there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, “ain’t no use knockin, there’s no paper on this side either.”

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard…

“Come have a look over here,” says Paddy, “It’s Michael O’Grady’s grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87.”

“That’s nothing,” says Sean, “here’s one named Patrick O’Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died!”

Just then, Seamus yells out, “Good God, here’s a fella that got to be 145!”

“What was his name?” asks Paddy.

Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, “Miles, from Dublin.”

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.

“No,” replied the Irishman “I’ve lost all me luggage!”

“How’d that happen?”

“The cork fell out!” said the Irishman.

An Irish women won 77 million pounds on the lottery this week, and went to collect her money.

The man at lottery head-quarters said “Congratulations on your win. There’s just one little condition, the money will be split into 3 parts - so you get 30 million one week 30 million the second week and 17 million the 3rd week.”

The Irish woman looks at him and says “Look, if your going to fuck me about just give me my pound back.”

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as “Euro-English”.

In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c”. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard “c” will be dropped in favour of “k”. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with “f”. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent “e” in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v”.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou” and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden…

“Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet”

“Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee

So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon. There’s raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there’s fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon… every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can imagine.

“Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree”

“Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don’ forget”

“Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell of bacon… ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree”.

And with that…Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up, and Luis is peppered with bullets.

It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

“Pepe…go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree”

“Luis, Luis mi amigo…what ees eet?”

“Pepe…ees not a bacon tree….

ees…..

…ees…

ees a Ham Bush!”