Shoot him before he hits the water.

“My parents are from Glasgow which means they’re incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child… well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.”
Susan Murray at the Underbelly

“Is it fair to say that there’d be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?”
Adam Bloom at the Pleasance

“My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, ’cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.”
Susan Murray at the Underbelly

“A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research? I said, All right, but we’re not going to get much done.”
Jimmy Carr at the ICC

“I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.”
Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms

“My dad’s dying wish was to have his family around him. I can’t help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.”
Jimmy Carr at the ICC

“You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She’ll go: What’s my favourite flower? And you murmur to yourself: Sh*t, I wasn’t listening … Self-raising?”
Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms

“The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face.”
Jeremy Limb, at the Trap

“Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.”
Jimmy Carr

“I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was Shout For Help.”
Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron

“I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork…”
Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco

“Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax.”
Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance

“Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.”
Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms

“The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.”
Chris Addison at the Pleasance

“My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.”
Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon

“Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind legs. You know it’s wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they’re enjoying it as well.”
Scott Capurro at the Pleasance

“Hey - you want to feel really handsome?  Go shopping at Asda.”
Brendon Burns at the Pleasance

“I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud I’ve already got one!”
Norman Lovett at The Stand

“It’s easy to distract fat people.  It’s a piece of cake.”
Chris Addison at the Pleasance

“I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I’m not very good at it.”
Arnold Brown at The Stand

“If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They’re trained for that.”
Milton Jones at the Underbelly

“I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign: This door is alarmed.  I said to myself: How do you think I feel?”
Arnold Brown at The Stand

Two DJs are talking to each other, one says to the other “want to go and see a movie?”

The other replies “I don’t know, who’s the projectionist?”

It’s not safe to drink and derive!

If a tree falls in the forest and hits a mime, does anybody care?

David Hasslehoff walks into a bar, and says to the barman “Listen, from now on I want to be called David Hoff, ok?”

And the barman replies “Ok David, no hassle”.

What did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?

“They’re right, we DO taste like chicken!”

From the outset I could tell that Oscar Wilde was gay.

Honestly, someone who likes wine that much can’t be straight. He’d always be following me round my house with a Semillon.

What do you call three men in a shower?
Gaaay!

What was unusual about Michael Jackson holding the baby over the balcony?

He usually just tosses them off.