A couple had two mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town their sons would get the blame.

The boys’ mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful at disciplining children. So she asked if he would speak to her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to speak to them individually.

So, the mother sent the 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked very sternly, “Where is God?”

The boys mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.

The clergyman repeated the question, “Where is God?”

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.

So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boys face and bellowed, “Where is God?!”

The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, “What happened?”

The younger brother gasping for breath, replied, “We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!”

God said “Adam, I want you to do something for me”.

Adam said “Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?”

God said “Go down into that valley”.

Adam replied “What’s a valley?”

God explained it to him.  Then He said “Cross the river”.

Adam said “What’s a river?”

God explained that to him too, and then said “Go over to the hill…”

Adam asked “What is a hill?”

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam “On the other side of the hill you will find a cave”.

Adam said “What’s a cave?”

After God explained, he said “In the cave you will find a woman”.

“What’s a woman?” asked Adam.

So God explained that to him too.  Then, God said “I want you to reproduce”.

Adam responded “How do I do that?”

God first said (under his breath), “Geez…..!”  And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.  Then, in about five minutes, he was back.  God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, “What is it now?”

And Adam said “What’s a headache?”

After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking in the Garden with God. Adam told God how much the woman means to him and how blessed he feels to have her. Adam began to ask questions about her.

Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful. Why did you make her so beautiful?

God: So you will always want to look at her.

Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft. Why did you make her skin so soft?

God: So you will always want to touch her.

Adam: She always smells so good. Lord, why did you make her smell so good?

God: So you will always want to be near her.

Adam: That’s wonderful Lord, and I don’t want to seem ungrateful, but why did you make her so stupid?

God: So she would love you.

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughters swollen abdomen.

It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say “Your daughter is pregnant.”

The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.

The mother became enraged and screamed, “Quit looking out the window! Aren’t you paying attention to me?”

“Yes, of course I am paying attention ma’am. It’s just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and three wise men came. And I was hoping that they would show up again.”

A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. “Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.

“Well, I can think of one thing,” the man offered.

“Once, upon a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.”

I yelled, “Now, back! off!! Or you’ll answer to me!”

St. Peter was impressed, but said: “We don’t show any record of this - when did all this happen?”

“Oh….Just a couple minutes ago.”

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, “You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.”

The husband said, “You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.”

Wife replies, “No, you should do it; it even says in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.”

Husband replies, “I can’t believe that; show me.”

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says….

“HEBREWS”

A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, “Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I’ve had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month.”

The priest tells the sinner, “You are forgiven. Go out and say three ‘Hail Mary’s’.”

Soon, another man enters the confessional. “Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months.”

This time the priest asks, “Who is this Fannie Green?”

“A new woman in the neighbourhood,” the sinner replies.

“Very well,” says the priest. “Go and say ten ‘Hail Mary’s’.”

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men’s eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, “Is that Fannie Green?” The altar boy replies, “No, Father… I think it’s just the reflection off her shoes.”

Once upon a time, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God. “Where have you been?”

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, “Look, Michael. Look what I’ve made.” Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, “What is it?” “It’s a planet,” replied God, “and I’ve put Life on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a great place of balance.”

“Balance?” inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. “For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I’ve placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things,” God continued pointing to different countries. “This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.”

The Archangel, impressed by God’s work, then pointed to a land area and said, “What’s that one?” “Ah,” said God “That’s Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, plains, and coulees. The people from Washington state are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace.”

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, “What about balance, God? You said there would be balance.”

God smiled, “There is another Washington… wait until you see the idiots I put there.”

Dr. Laura Schlesinger is a well known radiopersonality in the US, advising people who phone in with their problems. Recently she advised one of the callers, referring to 3. Moses 18:22, that homosexuality is obscene and can under no circumstances be tolerated.

The following is an open letter to Dr. Schlesinger from an anonymous American citizen:

Dear Dr. Schlesinger, Thank you for your efforts in teaching the people about God’s commandments. I have learnt a lot from you and I try to share this knowledge with as many people as I can. If anyone tries to defend homosexuality I only refer to 3. Moses 18:22 where it is clearly written that homosexuality is unacceptable. That ends the discussion.

Now I need some advise how to live by the word of God:

Each time I burn an ox in my garden as a sacrifice to God I know that this pleases the Lord. (3 Moses 1:9) The problem is my neighbours, who do not like the smell.

I want to sell my daughter as a slave (2. Moses 21:7) With today’s price level, what would be the right price?

In 3. Moses 24:24 it is clearly stated that I can have both male and female slaves, as long as they are bought from a neighbouring country. A friend of mine claims that this only applies to Mexicans and not Canadians. I need help on this. Can I have a Canadian slave?

I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. 2. Moses 35:2 clearly states that he must be killed. Am I morally obliged to do this myself?

One of my friends says that even if eating shellfish is not acceptable (3.Moses 11:10), homosexuality is worse. I disagree - who is right?

3. Moses 21:20 clearly states that I must now approach God’s altar if I do not see well. I am nearsighted and wear glasses. Must my eyesight be perfect, or is there a certain tolerance?

Most of my friends go to the hairdresser’s. They cut their sideburns and trim their beards. 3. Moses 19:27 clearly defines this as a sin. How should they be punished?

I have read in 3. Moses 11:7-8 that I cannot touch any part of a dead pig, as this will make me unclean. Can I play American football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He is sinning against 3.Moses 19:19 as he has two different crops in the same field. His wife is as bad because she wears textiles made from two different types of cloth - a mixture of cotton and polyester. My uncle also swears a lot. Is it really required that we gather the people of the village to stone them to death (3.Moses 24:10-16). Is it not easier to burn them during a family gathering the way we should do with people who have sex with their relatives (3 . Moses 20:14)?

I know that you are good at advising on problems such as the above and am sure that you can help me. Thank you for constantly reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unalterable.