An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar. They’re staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.  He’s so familiar, and not recognizing him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: “My God, it’s Jesus!”.

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.

After he’s finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: “My God! The arthritis I’ve had for 30 years is gone. It’s a miracle!”

Jesus then shakes the Aussie’s hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man’s eyes widen in shock. “Strewth mate, the bad back I’ve had all my life is completely gone! It’s a miracle.”

Jesus then approaches the Scouser who knocks over a chair and a table in trying to get away from the Son of God. “What’s wrong?” says Jesus. The Scouser shouts, “F *** off, I’m on disability benefit!”

A nun and a priest were crossing the desert on a camel when suddenly it dropped dead.

“We’re sure to perish here,” the priest said “so I have a request of you sister.  I have never seen a naked woman in all my life… Would you oblige me now that our end is near?”

With this the nun nodded yes, and disrobed.

The priest stared in amazement… So the sister says to the priest, “I have never seen a naked man in all my life. Would you oblige me now that the end is near?”

“Yes sister,” he said and took off his clothes.

The sister looking him up and down remarked on the size of his penis and asked if she could hold it in her hand.  As she did he got a huge erection.

“You know sister, if I put this in a special place I can create life.”

“Well,” said the nun, “if that is so… then stick it in the camel and lets get out of here!”

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, “Why are you crying?”

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.

“Is this your axe?” the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, “No.”

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. “Is this your axe?” the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, “No.”

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. “Is this your axe?” the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, “Yes.”

The Lord was pleased with the man’s honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, “Why are you crying?”

Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!”

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. “Is this your wife?” the Lord asked.

“Yes,” cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. “You lied! That is an untruth!”

The woodcutter fell to his knees and cried, “Oh, forgive me, Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said ‘no’ to Jennifer Lopez, You would  have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said ‘no’ to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said ‘yes,’ you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT’S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez.”

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honourable reason, and for the benefit of others.

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O’Grady’s after his Sunday morning service, and she’s in tears.

He says, “So what’s bothering you, Mary my dear?”

She says, “Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”

The priest says, “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?”

She says, “That he did, Father…”

The priest says, “What did he ask, Mary?”

She says, “He said, ‘Please Mary, put down that gun!”

Drunk Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the man just sits there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, “ain’t no use knockin, there’s no paper on this side either.”

Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said,
“Aye, ’tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin’ bad.”

Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin’ victim to temptation as well.”

Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, “What a terrible pity… one of the girls must be dying.”

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”

“Just water,” says the priest.

The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”

The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, “It was a good idea to replace the first four rows of pews with plush bucket theater seats.  It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.”

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued: “And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to the church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock ‘n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony!!”

“Thank you, Father,” answered the young priest. “I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.”

“However,” said the elderly priest, “I’m afraid you’ve gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.”

“But, Father,” protested the young priest, “my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!”

“I know, son, but that flashing neon sign, Toot ‘n Tell or Go To Hell just can’t stay on the church roof…”

This guy goes to see the Pope as he was visiting in Europe. There is a huge crowd of people there but he manages to get through.

He watches at the Pope stops every once in a while to whisper something in a their ear. He was dressed in his best suit because he really wanted the Pope to talk to him but, as the Pope came up to him, he walked right by and stopped by a guy near him who was homeless and dressed in rags.

So, the man says to himself, “I know why he stopped at him, he’s homeless!” So the man pays the homeless guy 50 dollars to use his clothes and he goes back the next day.

Well, this time the Pope stopped at him, leaned over, and whispered, “I thought I told you to get out of here yesterday!