A man walks into a barber shop with his daughter. The girl is eating her favorite snack: a Twinkie. She stands very close to her father as he gets his hair cut in the chair.

After a few minutes of snipping away, the barber looks down at the girl and says, ”Sweetie, you’re gonna get hair on your Twinkie!”

The girl says, “Yeah, I know. I’m gonna get boobies too!”

A boy was meeting his girlfriend’s parents for the first time for dinner. After dinner, his girlfriend and her mother left the room to do the dishes, leaving him with the father and the dog Duke, who was sitting underneath the boy’s chair. Unfortunately, it was a large dinner and he really had to fart. He stealthily let out a quiet, but audible, fart.

“Duke!” the dad yelled.

“This is great!” the boy thought. “He thinks the dog is farting!” So he let out another one.

“Duke!” the father barked. The boy thought he was homefree so he let everything out at once in a really loud and smelly fart.

“Duke! Get out of there before the boy sh*ts on you!”

I like monkeys.

The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought this was odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth so I bought 200 of them. I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one of drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in the genitals. I laughed.

They punched me in the genitals. I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room. They didn’t adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech and hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into it’s third hour.

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive; they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sort of dropped dead. Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. God damn cheap monkeys.

I didn’t know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room; on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn’t work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and one hundred ninety-nine dead, dry monkeys.

I tried to pretend that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for awhile, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad.

I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in my toilet and I didn’t want to call a plumber. I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortuantely there was only enough room for two at a time, so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn’t go bad.

I tried to burn them, but little did I know that my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and one hundred ninety-seven dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed, The odor wasn’t improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead monkeys and I really had to use the bathroom.  So I went and severely beat one of the monkeys. I felt better.

I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him I had a wet one. He couldn’t take it either. I didn’t bother asking about the frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts.  My friends didn’t quite know what to say. They pretended to like them, but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.

I like monkeys.

A blonde is in a store and picks up a thermos. She asks the clerk “What’s this do?” The clerk replies, “It’s a Thermos, it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.” She looks at it and says, “That’s genius, I’ll take it.”

Later on at work and her supervisor passes her desk and sees the thermos. “What’s this he asks?” The blonde replies, “Its a thermos, it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.”

The supervisor says, “I mean what’s in it?”

She replies, “Some soup and a popcicle.”

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one’s teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself? Think about it first before looking at the answer…
Answer:

He opens his mouth and says. “I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses.” If you got this wrong… please go dig a hole, get in it and call it a day.

Q: What do you call a Chav in a box?
A: Innit.

Q: What do you call a Chav in a filing cabinet?
A: Sorted.

Q: What do you call a Chav in a box with a lock on it?
A: Safe.

Q: What do you call an Eskimo Chav?
A: Innuinnit.

Q: Why are Chavs like slinkies?
A: They have no real use but it’s great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs.

Q: What do you call a Chavette in a white tracksuit?
A: The bride.

Q: If you see a Chav on a bike, why should you try not to hit him?
A: It might be your bike.

Q: What’s the difference between a Chav and a coconut?
A: One’s thick and hairy, the other’s a coconut.

Q: What’s the first question at a Chav quiz night?
A: “What you lookin’ at?”

Q: How do you get 100 Chavs into a phone box?
A: Paint three stripes on it.

Q: 2 Chavs in a car without any music. Who’s driving?
A: The police.

Q: Where do you take a Chavette for a decent night out?
A: Up the “Gary”!

Police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old white male resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday.  Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. “You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles. At least I thought there wasn’t,” he stated in a phone interview. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged “need.”

“Guess I was really into it, you know?” he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

“That was an unusual situation, that’s for sure,” said Officer Taylor. “I walked up to Lawrence and he’s…just pumping away at this pumpkin.”

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence.

“I just went up and said, Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you’re having sex with a pumpkin?

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said,

A pumpkin? fuck me, is it midnight already?“

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blondes driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

“What does it look like”? she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, “It’s square and it has your picture on it”.

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.

“Here it is,” she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then  handed it back saying…”Okay, you can go, I didn’t realise you were a cop”.

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof, so he looks in the Yellow Pages and sure enough, there’s an ad for “Bear Removers.”

He calls the number and the bear remover says he’ll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He’s got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

“What are you going to do?” the homeowner asks.

“I’m going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I’m going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.”

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

“What’s the shotgun for?” asks the homeowner.

“If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.”