A man walks into a barber shop with his daughter. The girl is eating her favorite snack: a Twinkie. She stands very close to her father as he gets his hair cut in the chair.

After a few minutes of snipping away, the barber looks down at the girl and says, ”Sweetie, you’re gonna get hair on your Twinkie!”

The girl says, “Yeah, I know. I’m gonna get boobies too!”

A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an African bush  tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When males reach a certain age, a string is tied around their penises. And on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked down at him and said, “How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?” The husband agreed and they tied a string and weight to his penis.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband, “How is our little tribal experiment coming along?”

“Well, it looks like we’re about half way there” he replied.

“Wow, you’ve grown to 12 inches??”

“No…it’s turned black.”

A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, “Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I’ve had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month.”

The priest tells the sinner, “You are forgiven. Go out and say three ‘Hail Mary’s’.”

Soon, another man enters the confessional. “Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months.”

This time the priest asks, “Who is this Fannie Green?”

“A new woman in the neighbourhood,” the sinner replies.

“Very well,” says the priest. “Go and say ten ‘Hail Mary’s’.”

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men’s eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, “Is that Fannie Green?” The altar boy replies, “No, Father… I think it’s just the reflection off her shoes.”

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. “What’s wrong. Bill?” she asked.

“Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?”

“Oh, Bill, you didn’t.”

“Yes, I did.”

“My God, Bill, what happened?”

“I got fired.”

“No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?”

“Oh…she got fired too.”

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but as he has never had sex before, he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it’s his first time and the pharmacist advises the boy for about an hour, everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or bulk pack. Thinking that his luck is in, the boy insists on the bulk pack.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. “Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!. The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down, looking at the floor.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, “I had no idea you were this religious.”

The boy turns, and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.”

There’s an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters. The Englishman says ” I was cleaning my daughter’s room the other day and I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn’t even know she smokes”.

The Scotsman says “That’s nothing. I was cleaning my daughter’s room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn’t even know she drank.”

With that the Irishman says ” Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter’s room the other day when I found packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn’t even know she had a dick.”

Police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old white male resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday.  Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. “You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles. At least I thought there wasn’t,” he stated in a phone interview. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged “need.”

“Guess I was really into it, you know?” he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

“That was an unusual situation, that’s for sure,” said Officer Taylor. “I walked up to Lawrence and he’s…just pumping away at this pumpkin.”

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence.

“I just went up and said, Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you’re having sex with a pumpkin?

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said,

A pumpkin? fuck me, is it midnight already?“

A nun and a priest were crossing the desert on a camel when suddenly it dropped dead.

“We’re sure to perish here,” the priest said “so I have a request of you sister.  I have never seen a naked woman in all my life… Would you oblige me now that our end is near?”

With this the nun nodded yes, and disrobed.

The priest stared in amazement… So the sister says to the priest, “I have never seen a naked man in all my life. Would you oblige me now that the end is near?”

“Yes sister,” he said and took off his clothes.

The sister looking him up and down remarked on the size of his penis and asked if she could hold it in her hand.  As she did he got a huge erection.

“You know sister, if I put this in a special place I can create life.”

“Well,” said the nun, “if that is so… then stick it in the camel and lets get out of here!”

A proper English Gentleman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.  So they did.  Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment “RENT FOR APARTMENT”.

On the way to the office he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note:

Dear Madam,

Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:

1. it had never been occupied
2. that there was plenty of heat
3. that is was small enough to make me cozy and at home.

Last night however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn’t any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:

Dear Sir,

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the landlady.