A proper English Gentleman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.  So they did.  Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment “RENT FOR APARTMENT”.

On the way to the office he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note:

Dear Madam,

Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:

1. it had never been occupied
2. that there was plenty of heat
3. that is was small enough to make me cozy and at home.

Last night however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn’t any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:

Dear Sir,

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the landlady.

A woman enters a sex shop and asks the shopkeeper for a vibrator.

The man says “Certainly, choose from our range on the wall.”

The woman says “Give me that red one.”

The man replies “That’s our fire extinguisher.”

What did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?

“They’re right, we DO taste like chicken!”

What do you call three men in a shower?
Gaaay!

A man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying in bed reading.

He says, “This is the pig I have sex with when you’ve got a headache.”

His wife replies, “I think you’ll find, that is a sheep.”

“I think you’ll find I was talking to the sheep.”

A man went to a urologist with a problem - he was unable to get an erection.  The Doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a previous viral infection and that there was nothing that could be done for him. However, there was an experimental treatment that might work, if he was willing to take the risk.  The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissue from an elephant’s trunk into his penis.

The man thought about this for a while. The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear, so with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it.

A few weeks after the operation he was given the green light to go and try his renovated equipment. He planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the best restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and suddenly his penis sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll
and then returned to his trousers.

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said “That was incredible! Can you do that again?”

With tears in his eyes the man replied, “I think I can, but I’m not sure if another bread roll will fit up my arse!”

A bloke is in a queue at the Super Market when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can’t place where he might know her from, so he says “sorry do you know me?” She replies “I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!”

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, “Christ!” he says “are you that stripogram on my stag night that I shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my arse?”

“No” she replies, “I’m your son’s English Teacher”

BE WARNED!

I don’t know how many of you shop at Tesco, but this may be useful to know.

I am posting this to you to warn you of something that happened to me, as I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.

This happened to me at Tesco in Cardiff and it could happen to you. Here’s how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the boot. They both start wiping your windscreen with a rag and Windolene, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say ‘No’ and instead ask you for a ride to another Tesco.

You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday and Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday, and also yesterday morning!

A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the market place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, “You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.” So the married couple walked in.

The Jamaican said to them, “I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex.”

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn’t need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the man, “How could sandals make you into sex freak?”

The Jamaican replied, “Just try dem on, Man.”

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn’t seen in many years. In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed he Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican’s hips. The Jamaican started screaming:

“YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!!”