A male patient is lying in bed in hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four-hour surgical procedure.

A young student nurse arrives to give him a partial sponge bath.

“Nurse”, he mumbles from behind the mask. “are my testicles black?”

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies “I don’t know Sir, I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.”

He struggles to ask again. “Nurse, are my testicles black?”

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his willy in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir.”

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly: “Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely …”

“A r e – m y – t e s t – r e s u l t s – b a c k?”

A woman was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a response on the monitor when she touched her.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, “Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma.”

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they’d close the curtains for privacy. The hubby finally agreed and went into his wife’s room. After a few minutes the woman’s monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran into the room.

The husband was standing there, pulling up his trousers, and said, “I think she choked.”

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, “Where in the hell have you been?”

Larry replies, “I was out getting a tattoo.”

“A tattoo?” she frowned. “What kind of tattoo did you get?”

“I got a fifty pound note on my privates,” he said proudly.

“What the hell were you thinking?” she said, shaking her head in disdain. “Why on earth would an accountant get a fifty pound note tattooed on his privates?”

“Well, for one… I like to watch my money grow.”

“Two… once in a while I like to play with my money.”

“Three… I like how money feels in my hand.”

“and, lastly… instead of you going out wasting money on shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow fifty quid anytime you want.”

An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, “Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!” The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl and tells them: “Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation but I’ll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.”

“Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.”

“If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?”

At this point, the girl’s father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him…

“You shag her again.”