Shoot him before he hits the water.

A well-stacked young advertising secretary wore tight knit dresses that showed off her figure, especially when she walked. Her young, aggressive boss motioned her into his office one afternoon and closed the door. Pointing to her tightly covered derriere, he asked, “Is that for sale?”

“Of course not!” she snapped angrily, blushing furiously.

Unchagrined, he replied quietly, “Then, I suggest you quit advertising it.”

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, “I’ll have a C monkey please.”

The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash, and handed it to the customer, saying, “That’ll be £5,000 please”.  The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, “That is a very expensive monkey. Why did it cost so much?”

The shopkeeper answered, “Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.”

The tourist looked at the monkey in  another cage. “That one’s even more expensive! £10,000!  What does it do?”

“Oh, that one’s a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff,” said the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of it’s own. The price tag around its neck read £50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, “That one costs more than all the others put together!  What on earth does it do?”

The shopkeeper replied, “Well, I haven’t actually seen it do anything, but the other monkeys call him the project manager.”

Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in an it company.  During the welcome ceremony, the boss says: “You’re all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don’t trouble the other employees.”

The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says: “You’re all working very hard and I’m very satisfied with you all.  One of our cleaners has disappeared however.  Do you know what happened to her?”

The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing cleaner.

After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: “Which of you idiots ate the cleaner?”

A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says:

“YOU FOOL! For four weeks we’ve been eating team leaders, managers and project managers so no-one would notice anything and you have to go and eat the cleaner!”

One Point Dares

1. Ignore the first five people who say “good morning” to you.
2. To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
3. Leave your fly open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, “Sorry, I really prefer it this way”.
4. Walk sideways to the photocopier.
5. While riding in an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
6. When in elevator with one other person, tap them on the shoulder and pretend it wasn’t you.
7. Finish all your sentences with “In accordance with the prophecy…”
8. Don’t use any punctuation.
9. Interrupt your conversation with someone by giving a huge dejected sigh.
10. Use your highlighter pen on the computer screen.

Three Point Dares

1. Say to your boss, “I like your style”, wink, and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.
2. Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.
3. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
4. Every time you get an email, shout “email”.
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has got over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. Keep hole punching your finger. Each time you do, shout, “dagnamit, it’s happened again!”. Then do it again.
7. Introduce yourself to a new colleague as “the office bicycle”. Then wink and pout.
8. Call I.T. helpdesk and tell them that you can’t seem to access any pornography web sites.

Five Point Dares

1. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
2. Walk into a very busy person’s office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
3. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as “Dave”.
4. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you “really have to go do a number two”.
5. When you’ve picked up a call, before speaking finish off some fake conversation with the words, “she can abort it for all I care”.
6. After every sentence, say “Mon” in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in: “The report’s on your desk, Mon.” Keep this up for one hour.
7. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, “Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!”
8. At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, “As God is my witness, I’ll never go hungry again!”
9. Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, it’s gone now.”
10. Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit; smash each biscuit with your fist.
11. During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
12. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
13. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
14. Sign or pp all letters with your initials and a swastika.
15. Dry hump the photocopier. When someone spots you, stop and cough embarrassingly, then lean in to the machine and whisper loudly, “I’ll see you tonight”.

A guy walks into the local Jobcentre office, marches straight up to the counter and says, “Hi… You know, I just HATE drawing benefit. I’d really rather have a job.”

The Jobcentre adviser behind the counter says, “Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter.”

“You’ll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he’ll supply all of your clothes, and because of the long hours, meals will be provided.”

“You’ll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips.”

“You will have to satisfy her sexual urges.”

“You’ll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.”

“The starting salary is �200,000 a year.”

The guy says, “You’re bullshittin’ me!”

The Jobcentre Adviser says, “Yeah, well… You started it.”