A koala is sitting up a gumtree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says “Hey, Koala!  What are you doing?”

The koala says: “Smoking a joint, come up and have some.”

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.

After a while the little lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’ and is going to get a drink from the river.
But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: “What’s the matter with you?”  The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says “Hey you!”

The koala looks down at him and says…

“Fucccccccccck dude…….how much water did you drink?!!”

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend the other day.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn’t believe it when she asked if I’d be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that “magic”.

“Wow!” I said. “I don’t know if I could keep pace with you now. I’m a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me.” She just giggled and said she was sure I’d “rise” to the challenge.

“Yeah.” I said. “Just so long as you don’t mind a man with a waistline that’s a few inches wider these days!” She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying that tubby bald men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover. Anyway, she giggled and said, “I’ve put on a few pounds myself!”

So I told her to f*ck off.

An Octopus walks into a bar and says “I can play any musical instrument you like”.

The Englishman gives it a guitar which it plays better than Jimi Hendrix.

The Irishman gives it a piano which it plays better than Elton John.

The Scotsman throws it a set of bagpipes. The octopus fumbles about for a couple of minutes without a sound from the bagpipes and the Scotsman asks: “What’s wrong, can ye no play it?”

The octopus says, “Play It? I’m gonna shag her once I get her pyjamas off”

Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight. She was from Quality Street, he was a Fisherman’s Friend.

On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine Gum. He asked her name, “Polo, I’m the one with the hole” she said. “I’m the one with the nuts,” he thought! Then he touched her Milky Way.

They checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn’t long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg.

He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly and Tic-Tacs. Miss Rowntree wasn’t keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring.  He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight.

When he pulled out, his fun size Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted more, but he needed Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetizing. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper!

Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel.  Sadly he was soon to discover he had VD. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Allsorts!

Shoot him before he hits the water.

A general and a young sergeant boarded a train in Germany during the occupation after the war. They occupied a compartment with a grandmother and her 16 year old granddaughter. All sat in complete silence for a great while.

The train went through a long, dark tunnel; there was the sound of a resounding kiss, then the sound of a resounding smack followed by complete silence, and then the train emerged from the tunnel and all sat in complete silence as before.

The grandmother thought, “That young soldier tried to kiss my granddaughter and she slapped him. Good for her!”

The granddaughter thought, “That soldier tried to kiss me, missed and kissed my grandmother and she slapped him. Good for her!”

The general thought, “That sergeant tried to kiss that young girl. She tried to slap him, but she missed and slapped me!”

The sergeant thought, “Such a day is never to be expected! Kiss the back of your hand, slap hell out of a general, and get away with it!”

A well-stacked young advertising secretary wore tight knit dresses that showed off her figure, especially when she walked. Her young, aggressive boss motioned her into his office one afternoon and closed the door. Pointing to her tightly covered derriere, he asked, “Is that for sale?”

“Of course not!” she snapped angrily, blushing furiously.

Unchagrined, he replied quietly, “Then, I suggest you quit advertising it.”

Patient: I’m in a hospital! Why am I in here?

Doctor: You’ve had an accident involving a train.

Patient: What happened?

Doctor: Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?

Patient: Well… The bad news first…

Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.

Patient: That’s terrible! What’s the good news?

Doctor: There’s a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.

After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking in the Garden with God. Adam told God how much the woman means to him and how blessed he feels to have her. Adam began to ask questions about her.

Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful. Why did you make her so beautiful?

God: So you will always want to look at her.

Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft. Why did you make her skin so soft?

God: So you will always want to touch her.

Adam: She always smells so good. Lord, why did you make her smell so good?

God: So you will always want to be near her.

Adam: That’s wonderful Lord, and I don’t want to seem ungrateful, but why did you make her so stupid?

God: So she would love you.

A man walks into a barber shop with his daughter. The girl is eating her favorite snack: a Twinkie. She stands very close to her father as he gets his hair cut in the chair.

After a few minutes of snipping away, the barber looks down at the girl and says, ”Sweetie, you’re gonna get hair on your Twinkie!”

The girl says, “Yeah, I know. I’m gonna get boobies too!”